Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
