You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
