I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
