eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
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I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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