last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
