I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
