My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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