Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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