I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
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swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
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Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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