My friends, they love my intelligence
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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