Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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