Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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