Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
