is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
