Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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