Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
