So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
