I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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