Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
