now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
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WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
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At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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