I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
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I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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