OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
