Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
