Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
