i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
