She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
