Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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