In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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