The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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