Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
