he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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