I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
