i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
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My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
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Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Drunk is a universal language darling
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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