New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
