Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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