Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Randomize
