my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
