We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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