listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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