i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
