a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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