I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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