My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
