she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
