why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
