i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
