I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
