Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
The Olympian is in my bed
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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