Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
