he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
