if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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