Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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