So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
