I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
